A momentous occasion like a debut single from an API artist like Tila “Tequila” Nguyen deserves its appropriate spotlight on Ninja Pants, so a bunch of staff writers decided to let you all know exactly what they thought of “I Love U”. Tina Kang wins the Long-Winded Masturbator title from Matty Wise, though, for writing a two-page-long article about it. Without further ado:

This is my new theme song.

chelsea yamabe

On Tila Tequila’s new song:

F***ing loved it. 
marisol lazaro

If a porn star with less brain cells than Jessica Simpson released a single it’d sound like Tila Tequila’s single “I Love U”. I’d rather listen to a Michael Bolton and Vanilla Ice sing a duet of “Mambo #5” than this garbage.

vincent chen

This is exactly what I would expect from a short Vietnamese girl with slightly skewed nipples who’s not afraid to take off her clothes. She’s not afraid to make a ridiculously simple song where the two key phrases are “I’ll fuck you up” and “I love you.” Like nudity, this naive simplicity will definitely have some appeal.

bihn kim

As much as I admire Tila’s crazy, I don’t give a f@#k attitude, her unique beauty, and her struggle to success and stardom, I think that she has crossed the line. I don’t really like the fact that celebrities cross over into surrounding realms of entertainment or business; what right do they have besides money, fame and power? (Perhaps that’s all you need.) Previous cross-over artists such as Jessica Simpson, P. Diddy, and J. Lo have made millions off of people who give these media giants undeserved attention and respect, not to mention money to buy products, wear the clothes, listen to the music and watch the movies of these moguls. But why? Are they really good actors, singers, business people? Maybe yes, maybe no. But why do we give them so much recognition – is it because of their true talents as singers or actors? I think it’s a little something called name recognition…to succeed in the media is all a popularity contest. We blindly buy into those who are popular, thinking that they are good, talented, wonderful people. This popularity does not go unrewarded. In the media popularity implies influence and influence equates to money. Which is horrible, if you think about it.

Her single sucks hard. I’m sorry I can’t put it more eloquently. Tila’s voice was not made to sing. It sounds like a 12 year old girl’s, and not in a good way; more of a whiny, immature, shrill kind of way. In addition to this, her lyrics are a little, ah, insane. From the beginning of the song:

“You know I just want to let you know…that I never felt this way about anybody else, I..I..I think I love you. So don’t think I’m crazy when I tell you this. But if you ever hurt me….I’ll fucking kill you.”

I guess if you’re all about crazy, insane, obsessive, dysfunctional love you’ll probably like this song. The lyrics of the song make me think of being in the relationship with a bipolar woman; I love you, I fucking hate you, you know the kind. The kind that slashes your tires, and disconnects your phone, the kind that will fuck you up – scary but I guess it’s more realistic than talking about lovey dovey romances filled with flowers, candy and unconditional love. Tila puts the fun back in dysfunctional. I know she was trying to be serious, but with a voice like that of a small creature that lives in a bush I can’t take her seriously.

I must say she exudes a raw and untamed passion in her song…perhaps she really is “the bitch that’ll fuck you up,” for that I will applaud her. She sings from an angle that screams femme fatale, and it scares the shit out of me thinking that such fiery anger could come from such a petite being such as Tila. It’s fun, I guess, but I won’t take her seriously as an artist. I just think that she doesn’t have the skill, the actual talent to become a musical sensation. We’ll see how long Tila can fuel her musical ventures, riding out the admiration of Myspace whores and adolescent boys. I don’t give her that long, but I sure as hell admire her for trying.

tina kang